Warrior #1

I know, I know, I said I'd update tomorrow...

Anyway, here's my first comic book review. In short, this comic is utterly batshit insane. We should invent new words to describe how insane this comic is! Anyway, there's a reason for this - it was written by the professional wrestler the Ultimate Warrior, who himself is utterly insane, and likes to wear face paint and tassels besides. To get some idea of the mental acuity of the dude they let write a comic book based on himself, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nezjOB_MGYA

Sounds great, right?

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1FbBBqeFPbLzc7CQC9qIqCweBvBw-N8BXn3RG1VQcj0nDa8CSNdtLqul4X1x_649zPVsuiopVBLYwQs3vnv-VWXRY_eaAbG4-f4z0xv3WyAWwgxfBxLvP-aGhW57eQlDMtE0cloFkf-vM/s1600/warrior1.jpg

Things look bad right from the front cover. We're in for some seriously shitty Rob Liefeld-esque artwork here, with Warrior's insanely muscled neck, and the fact that Warrior's roar of rage makes him look like he is struggling to extrude an unusually large turd. Would you really want that ugly mug looking out at you on your comics shelf?

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/warrior-pajamas.jpg

This is definitely one of the wordiest comics I've ever read. Look at all that text on the image! It almost approaches Cerebus the Aardvark levels! (Oh, and some of the text on that image is cropped off.) And what does the text say? Absolutely nothing. Did I mention Warrior is insane yet? You can't really see the text on this image, but it's a bunch of pseudo-philosophical rambling about "the painful world of lost souls", and how "the value of self is determined by a 'being'" (and no, I have no idea why 'being' is in quotation marks). Oh, and he also says "my destiny has always been to be who I am - WARRIOR" (WARRIOR is always in giant red capitals, by the way). "My destiny has always been to be who I am"??? The hell? Oh, and of course, the art is utterly terrible. Remember how I said it was Rob Liefeld-esque? Well, apologies to Rob Liefeld. What are those ropes behind him? How is the calf muscle on his left leg bulging like that, bigger around than his thigh muscle? Oh, and he's suffering from Liefeld's Disease, which is comic book fandom parlance for deformed, extremely small diamond-shaped feet. And, of course, the insane muscular physique. Moving on, quickly...

And the inside cover is just laden with text as well! It's small and on a red gradient background, making it EXTREMELY hard to read. And what's that big red word? Destrucity? (It's apparently pronounced "des-troo-sit-ee".) Here's the definition in a box from the front cover, verbatim...

"Destrucity: tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning... 1. The name of the Galaxy in WARRIOR wherein the "Terrain of Testament" lies. 2. The Living of one's life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior's 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom. 3. The creating of a truce between one's Destiny and one's Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet
accepting what is the now... one's reality."

Does this make any sense to you? If it does, get thee to Arkham now, the Joker needs a cellmate. You can't just go making up terrible new words! It's a horribletacular practitionation! Over-Capitalization Also Annoys The Audience. You Shouldn't Do It.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/warrior-attacked.jpg

"Reality trading places... with fantasy? Or with what was fantasy?" At least I can grasp a semi-reasonable meaning for that, but damn. I'd like to point out we have no idea of anything. Who's the guy in the leotard? What are those things attacking him? What's that green cloud? What's everything? All we've seen is destrucity and destiny being to be who he is. This is the SECOND PAGE. See how much I've written already? And the overdramatic question marks? The sentence fragments?

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/seasons.jpg

It would seem the demons have knocked WARRIOR out (or, as WARRIOR would say, collapsed "into the twilight of no thought at all"), and he's landed on "the Terrain of Testament" (yeah, I don't know, but it was mentioned in the definition for destrucity). He lays there for ages, and rambles about something that I'm pretty much just not going to read. I just know it would be more half-assed philosophy.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/get-foked.jpg

No, WARRIOR isn't censoring a swear word here. "Foked" is short for "focused". ...yeah, XTREEEEEEEEME!!!!

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/warrior-run.jpg

You may have noticed in this picture that there's two narration boxes - a red one and a yellow one. There doesn't appear to be any difference between them, both of them are just a load of unfoked destrucity anyway. From what I can tell, WARRIOR is running off across the Terrain of Testament so he can become the first WARRIOR, and define the concept of what a WARRIOR is, because no other WARRIORS can exist without him. This is also probably the worst piece of artwork in the whole comic. Where are WARRIOR's hips? How can he bend his arms if he doesn't have elbows? And WHERE THE FUCK HAS HIS OTHER LEG GONE?!?!?! True WARRIORS need only one leg, it would seem.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/zeus.jpg

WARRIOR calls this guy "Father", so I'm going to assume that this is WARRIOR's father. He rambles on about more destrucity, and if you have good enough eyesight to actually be able to read this image, you'll notice he uses a hell of a lot of ellipses, as does everyone in the comic. It also provides the awesomest sentence in the whole sorry enterprise: "Sorrowful I cannot express my emotion". So he's feeling an emotion because he can't express emotion? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/underwater.jpg

How can WARRIOR talk underwater like that? Oh, by the way, I don't have an image for this, but at the bottom of the lake, without any context, he just yells "SKRONK". Yeah, I dunno. WARRIOR jumped into the lake in order to avoid these guys, who I think are Jawas...

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/jawas.jpg

Declaring "The student is ready... and you are NOT!", WARRIOR leaps into battle with a SHAFFA-KOOOOOOOM! and starts beating up Jawas.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/jawa-fight.jpg

This fight goes between several different backgrounds, from a featureless orange background shown above to a snowy wasteland. As with pretty much everything in this comic, it makes zero sense. Also, I don't think "Fling" is an actual onomatopoeia.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/jawa-teleport.jpg

The Jawas eventually teleport away and leave a few corpses behind. WARRIOR calls their departure "questionable". Understatement much? WARRIOR dips his hand in the Jawa blood, which turn into red ribbons (called, as we will learn in Warrior #2, "Belief Banners"). His boots turn gold, he has face paint, and BAM, he's WARRIOR.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/coma.jpg

Okay, what?? We've switched from the Terrain of Testament to a modern city with a woman sitting at WARRIOR's beside sobbing, while he's in a coma. Does... not... compute... *boom*

Actually... that's a good explanation for why this comic is so crazy, if WARRIOR's in a coma from overdosing on LSD and the Terrain of Testament, Jawas, Belief Banners etc. are all part of his long strange trip. We get more ellipses from WARRIOR's presumably-girlfriend here. You know, these ellipses are really annoying. And, of course, BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES.

http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox14/pics/believe-this.jpg

This is the last panel of the comic, except for an essay and a black and white bit at the end which I'm pretty much just not going to read. Anyway, believe what? Who's that guy, and what's that metal thing next to his neck? It's probably some kind of cyborg attachment, but the question still stands, who is he? Finally, I don't think there's enough hair gel in the world to make his hair stand up that straight.

E-mail me some ibuprofen. This comic gave me a headache. In conclusion, this comic is like an acid trip, minus any entertainment value whatsoever.

Begin at the beginning

Well, hi. I'm ur Blogspot, making mah blog. (Can't believe I'm quoting lolcats...)

Anyway, this post is, I suppose, just a little statement of intent. This blog is going to be a place for me to make fun of stuff. Whatever I happen to feel like at the time. Now you may ask, "What distinguishes Some Guy from every other snarky pop-culture critic polluting the Internet?" What distinguishes me is... uh... my ravishing good looks? Yeah, I'll try to distinguish myself.

Anyway, I'll get started with my first proper post tomorrow. What it will be on, I dunno.